Journal Entry: Whatsapp Has Taken Over

Geez, its been so long since we've written anything on here (2016 actually).

I'm going to try this out, make it my online journal that my mother can't get into because she likes to go through my things.

Entry #1
June 24, 2018, 23:30

                                                                I'M OK  

Damn, today was an ok day I wasn't feeling well but I had my room to myself and I was styling my Hinata wig so it was nice. But then my grandmother was yelling mean things at the cat and I was trying to help but the cat came in and messed all my stuff up and I got mad but I never yell at her, 1 point for me - 0 for bitch Grandma. She tossed the cat out of the house and everything was quiet again...until my mother came home and brought all her negative energy with her. The minute she came in I mentally withdrew into myself and I remember my body kind of hunching like I was some abused kid trying to make myself invisible, and that makes me so angry because my parents were NEVER abusive, but my mother picks fights unconsciously when I'm home. Which is why I hate coming back to this hell hole. 
But my wig came out really nice since its my first time styling one so that made me really happy.

I'M HAPPY

I feel like my future is a new shade of black, so dark even a flare couldn't light it up. I can't seem to find my light at the end of the tunnel no matter how many times I tell myself I can do it, or it will get better or even everything happens for a reason. Some days I hate myself so much I can't look in the mirror, I'm scared to leave the house - scared people will judge my shape, my clothing, my make up...
It doesn't help that I have gone through that type of ridicule and I'm terrified of going through it all over again, because as mean as children can be to each other adults can insult you in underhanded ways so that its hard to give a comeback in public. I gained 20 kilos since high-school and I'm really feeling it, its completely crashed any confidence I had about myself, I really wanted to work out even a little but either everything costs money or everyone's too busy to go to the park with me. (That's no excuse but its all I have)

I KNOW WHO I AM

That line has so much BS in it I'm surprised its not on fire.To this day I can't decide whether I like my name or not, I love my last name probably because its my dads and everyone knows I'm a daddy's girl to the bone. For a long time I wanted people to call me by my middle name, I only found out I had a middle name when I was 10 and I tended to embrace the things my mother ''hid'' from me.

END

Note: This entry took a dark turn because I wasn't having a good day and I was sitting alone in the dark with a cup of hot chocolate, then my aunt came home and I felt a little better after she complimented my wig when I showed her.

I doubt you guys will see this anytime soon, never say never and all that, but if you do well...I don't know.